Not to use, because thanks to the Other Guy I know that it won’t change anything. He’s always going to be inside just waiting to stop it if I try again. But still it’s nice to have it, just in case.
Most days it’s okay and I don’t even think about it. This team thing is strange but… it helps. I don’t always feel like I have to run away and hide anymore, from the world or from myself.
There are nights like this one, though, where I wake up from a nightmare and can’t stop shaking because I kill them. All of them. One tiny slip in my control and I’m suddenly back to where I started, only now there’s guilt because I killed the only people I know who are actually insane enough to trust me.
They think I’ve got him under control. The problem is that there are nights when I’m not so sure.
Sometimes I think the only one who’s being controlled is me.
So I keep the gun even though it’s useless. I hide it because none of them need to know how bad it gets but it’s always there, tucked away in a secret corner just waiting for me to pull it out.
I keep it because someday one of my nightmares is going to be true, and when that happens I’m going to need something to hold on to.
When that happens maybe he’ll finally just let the bullet through.